


i’m on fire

by gothoria



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt Spencer Reid, Idiots in Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pining Derek, Sad Spencer Reid, Secret Crush, Short, Short & Sweet, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love, inspired by I’m on Fire by Bruce Springsteen, it’s like one reference but I had that in mind honestly, kinda cute at the very end, probably, that’s what i’m thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:56:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25471240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothoria/pseuds/gothoria
Summary: sometimes, it feels like spencer is burning up from the inside with desire.then she walks in holding hands with him and he is doused with a reality check.she has what he can never get. no matter how much he desires it.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Savannah Hayes/Derek Morgan, Spencer Reid & Other(s), this time they actually get together
Comments: 10
Kudos: 127





	i’m on fire

**Author's Note:**

> “love is a lot like fire. it can make you warm, or destroy all you have, and once the flame of love ignites, it's beyond your control.“

he talks less when she’s around. that’s what everyone notices. he notices it too because he is purposely talking less. one slip up and everything will come crashing down like a building on fire. 

he feels like he’s on fire, most of the time. there is a desire in his heart for a man who will never love him like he does. he urges the fire to burn out, buries it in his body, somewhere where there is enough dirt to smother the fire out. 

when he sees her, the fire is put out so quickly that spencer almost forgets how it feels to love him. almost. but then, he walks into the bullpen, and he remembers. 

he has memorized every single detail of derek morgan, and yet he is always captivated by how.. ethereal the man can look. 

he’s been attracted to plenty of men and women, but derek is unlike any other man. he is kind, funny, and genuine. he can talk about anything to anyone, can crack a joke and lighten everyone’s day. he talks to spencer when he is worried about his mother, reminds spencer that he is a wonderful son when he needs it the most. 

he tells derek about his headaches when they first appear, tells him how he wakes up at night with a train running through his mind and how his body feels like it’s on fire. he tells him how he will turn the a/c down so much that his landlord has complained about it. 

he doesn’t tell him how he thinks about him to calm himself down. how he will imagine derek’s eyes, his face. 

everything about him makes spencer feel safe. derek morgan’s only flaw is how oblivious he is. spencer has spent years, longing for derek. to derek, a lingering touch means nothing, but to spencer? it means the world. 

derek doesn’t linger anymore. he holds hands with savannah instead, holds her waist and brings her close into him. spencer imagines how it would feel to be in her place. would feel like everything he ever wanted, would fill his heart with such a powerful desire that it might kill him. 

how cruel the world is. to make spencer fall in love with a man who looks at savannah and sees a future with her, not spencer. it hurts, constantly. having to let go of your feelings hurts, and spencer can feel his body being ripped apart by the knowledge that derek will forget all about spencer when he settles down with savannah. 

that’s why he is avoiding derek’s calls. in hindsight, ignoring your best friend’s calls because you’re scared he will forget about you is probably not the greatest plan. thing is, spencer knows that he won’t be able to move on if he continues talking to derek. 

it’s better this way. he convinces himself it’s better this way. 

last week, when derek brought spencer out for drinks with the team, he could barely hold back the tears. could barely ignore the pain in his chest. the pain of seeing the man you loved with another was so great that it made spencer sick. it twisted his insides, slashed at them until he could no longer take it and ran to the bathroom. 

he told penelope where he was going, and that was his first mistake. she immediately told derek, who was his usual self and ran to the bathroom, calling after spencer. spencer ignored him. he probably wouldn’t even go in with him, would stay outside the door and wait for spencer to come back before going off to dance with savannah. 

savannah with a body to kill for. who danced better than spencer could ever even hope to. he was hopeless, spencer reid. he was an addict, a child abuse victim, and a mess. he lets his emotions get the best of him, and it ends in more trouble than anyone bargained for. 

derek comes into the bathroom, finds spencer curled up against the wall with his knees pulled close to his chest. he’s sobbing, tears staining his shirt and black pants. 

“pretty boy?” spencer chokes out another sob. he hasn’t called him pretty boy in so long that the words are foreign coming from derek’s lips. “are you okay? what’s going on?” spencer waves a hand in dismissal, he’s trying to speak up but the words are stuck in his throat, drowning under his tears. 

“just.. just go, _please_?” derek shakes his head, walking over to the corner where spencer is sitting and taking a place right beside him. “not a chance. talk to me, what’s going through that head of yours?” spencer shakes his head. he wants to explain, but he’s never been good with words.

“go back to savannah. please.” derek furrows his brows in confusion, places a hand on spencer’s shoulder that makes spencer flinch. “pretty boy, what’s wrong?” spencer shakes his head again, growing frustrated. “please, derek. please?” he looks up at derek, tears still in his eyes. they catch derek off guard, it’s obvious when his brown eyes widen. 

derek nods, still shaken. he is nodding blindly, it looks cute- no. no, no, no. shove that away. bury it deeper. spencer dips his head back in between his knees, his hands running through his hair as he attempts to calm himself down. 

he can hear footsteps walking away, the door shutting behind derek, the sound of music coming from outside. he can see the orange lights from under the door, can see people passing by the restroom. 

he can’t say anything. he never stops talking, has been told that one too many times. has been told to quiet down, that he is rambling again. and yet, he can’t find the words to describe the way he is feeling. he is up against the wall, crying like a child who has seen his significant other cheating on them. 

derek was never his to begin with. he was never his to love. that’s what hurts the most. how he can never fulfill this desire in him. 

the surprising part is when he comes out of the bathroom to see derek waiting for him outside, leaning up against the wall with a leg to support him. 

“derek? i thought you would all be gone by now.. where’s savannah?” derek walks over to him, claps a hand on his shoulder, “they all left. i wasn’t gonna leave you here.” spencer’s heart warms a little. he always knows what to say. 

spencer settles for a slight smile in derek’s direction, heart loud in his ears when he sees the smile derek gives him in return. 

derek takes him home, insisting that spencer shouldn’t get on the bus this late at night. 

he says goodbye and tells spencer to take care of himself, to remember to buy groceries instead of just eating takeout whenever he can. 

he makes it so hard to move on. 

the rest of the month is full of incidents like the one at the bar. spencer will get a far-away look in his eyes, will tune people out, will only answer when it’s derek because only derek can make him focus. it’s only derek. he’s on fire and only derek can control him. 

he makes it so hard to move on when he comforts spencer when spencer admits that his mother has been having a string of grim days. makes it so hard when he brings spencer a book he saw while out shopping with savannah, tells spencer that he thought of him and thought he would like it. 

_why is it so fucking hard?_

it gets worse when they’re at team dinner and derek shows up, sans savannah. they all ask where she is but he just brushes it off, changes the subject so quickly that they all forget to ask until the very end. he still doesn’t answer. 

then, he gets a text, and spencer can see the wallpaper he has of savannah on his lock screen. can see how in love she is with the man who took the picture. she was staring at him, he can tell. she was staring behind the camera, the angle making it seem like she was just posing for the picture. her eyes say differently. 

derek gets up to take a call from her. it’s a long time before he gets back, and spencer rises to go to the bathroom when he catches bits and pieces of their conversation. 

“i know. look, we can talk about this when i get back, okay? we can make a plan. we can just talk it out.” spencer assumes the worst because it’s what he’s done his entire life. he assumes that derek is talking about the next step. proposing, moving in, buying a house together. something good for them, painful for him. 

he can hardly contain the choked noise that comes from him, it spills out much like the tears he has shed over the man around the corner. he sprints to the bathroom, shutting the door and ignoring derek who is calling his name. he must’ve heard him, must’ve seen his figure as it ran away to cry alone. 

“spencer!” 

he’s yelling now, begging for spencer to open the door, but spencer is far too gone to even pay attention. he is clutching onto the bathroom counter with white knuckles, staring into the matter and at himself with a pained expression on his face. 

eventually, he opens the door, expecting to find nothing on the other end of it. derek is sitting on the floor, back up against the wall, and he gets up as soon as he opens the door. he walks in, pushing spencer back in and locking the door behind them. 

he corners spencer, a fury in his brown eyes that alarms spencer. “what’s up with you?” the tone in his voice angers spencer, _how could he ask that? he’s the reason spencer is like this and he is so oblivious and can’t even notice_. 

“nothing. nothing is up.” derek rolls his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest, “sure. talk to me, what’s been bugging you? you’ve been like this for weeks now. is it your mom?” spencer shakes his head, trying to step around derek and finding himself face to face with derek’s chest every time. 

he throws his hands up in exasperation, “jesus, derek! just let me go!” derek shakes his head, pushing spencer back with his index finger when he tries to move around him again. “tell me what’s wrong. you’re being difficult, spencer.” spencer laughs at that, the laugh so cynical that it makes derek look even angrier at him. 

“you’re what’s wrong! you can’t even notice!” derek raises his eyebrows, leaning against the counter when it’s obvious that spencer won’t walk out of the bathroom anytime soon. “really? god, you’re so oblivious.” derek, who is thoroughly confused, asks spencer what he means. spencer rolls his eyes and shakes his head. 

“no. whatever. i need to get out of here.” derek grips onto spencer’s wrist, spencer trying his best to wiggle out of his grip, using both hands to claw at derek’s hand. “let go!” derek’s grip only gets tighter, not enough to hurt but just enough to get spencer to understand. “no. not until you tell me what’s wrong. i’m your best friend, spencer.” 

spencer’s heart drops into his stomach. that’s exactly the problem. he tells derek that. “that’s all i am to you. your best friend.” it doesn’t take a profiler to realize what spencer is trying to say. derek makes a small ‘oh’ sound when he realizes, lets go of spencer and watches spencer lean against the wall with arms crossed. “yeah. oh.” spencer can see derek’s face change. 

it looks like.. guilt? “spencer.. you’re my best friend but..” he wrings his hands and spencer thinks this is the most nervous he’s ever seen derek. he doesn’t know what for though. he should be nervous, nervous about losing his friend. 

“savannah didn’t come because she broke up with me. well, we both thought it was a wonderful idea. she told me i talk about you too often,” derek is walking closer to him now, taking spencer’s hands in his and it feels so good that spencer hopes that derek will either kiss him right now or kill him, just so he knows what to expect, “that i talk about you so much that it doesn’t seem like we’re just friends..” 

_oh._

_that’s not what he expected._

spencer looks into derek’s eyes. he looks more vulnerable than he’s even seen derek before. “i never said anything because.. it was an internal battle. i didn’t know if you.. if you would even accept me.” spencer laughs softly, it invites a laugh from derek too and it makes spencer’s cheeks turn pink, “god, derek, you can be so oblivious.” 

in a moment of complete attraction, spencer plants his hands on derek’s face, pulls him in for a kiss that is too short for spencer’s liking. derek leads him, his hands trail down and find a home on spencer’s hips. he pulls him in even closer, plants kisses on spencer’s neck that leave spencer breathless and craving even more. 

they take the time to talk it out afterward. they stumble like deer but they find their footing eventually. 

the fire in spencer has settled down. it’s no longer raging, no longer burning everything in spencer’s body. it’s now a hearth. it’s warm, cozy, and reminds him of derek. savannah reassured him that there is no hard feelings. she loved derek, sure, but she needed to be happy. 

you can’t do that when you’re in love with someone else. 

luckily for him, derek morgan was in love with one spencer reid. it just took them longer than usual to admit it to each other, to let that desire be known. spencer sleeps better now, doesn’t have headaches as often. 

if he does, all he has to do is turn over and cuddle into the warmth that derek provides. he is no longer on fire, no longer desires anything because he has all he needs. _finally._  
  


**Author's Note:**

> if this is bad let me know lmao it was also written in ten minutes and thanks to the person who commented on savannah and told me to write a nice one this was really good for me


End file.
